Idea #8 - Carolina Fish Camp

Ahead, we see the big sign: "Carolina Fish Camp, Next Right". Another quarter-mile and we make the turn onto the entrance road. An even larger sign - weather-beaten, handpainted with "Carolina Fish Camp AHEAD!" in red and blue - welcomes us as we pass through the main gates. 

At the first curve we pass a grove of trees, through which we catch glimpses of a shabby, hulking block of structures. We round another corner, then catch a better view, a great ramshackle jumble of shacks and sheds and barn-like edifices looming above a small, clear lake. Down a short hill and we're sliding past the lake and approaching the parking area. In the lake, we see pedal boats churning away at the water while ducks and geese bob in their collective wake. Boardwalks and piers and docks and little sheds line the lakesides, crammed with families feeding ducks, or fishing, or sitting on swings and benches. Out in the middle of the lake is a small island playground, linked to the lakeshore by a floating bridge.

Our car slides into the parking area. Ahead now is the large weathered bulk of the main building, which houses the titular Carolina Fish Camp Restaurant. Attached to this main structure are several smaller ones housing gift emporia, smaller eateries, an ice-cream shop, a nautically-themed tavern, and a replica light house.

We walk to the front doors and make our way inside. We note that the shabby ocean-front aesthetic seen outside is applied to the interior design as well, with an abundance of nets, flags, and sails attached to walls and hanging from rafters, with a variety of nautical knick-knacks and doo-hickeys covering all visible surfaces. Signage featuring bad nautical puns abounds.

Seating is plentiful and varied. Some tables are located on large balcony patios overlooking the lake. The menu features both freshwater and saltwater varieties of fish, reflective of the varieties of fish and seafood available in the Carolinas. Adjacent to the main dining room is a small play area - a make-believe pirate ship with cannon pointed toward the lake.

We're seated at a booth near the play area. After our orders are placed, the boy goes off to play pirate for a few minutes. We laugh about the fact that we come here so often, but the boy loves the place so much, and the fact is that we do, too.

 

Idea #7 - Sunsphere retro-futurist bar

Yes, I'm aware that that the goofy golden globe has already hosted its share of drinking establishments over the past 28 years. Here's how my Sunsphere bar would be different:

First, let's all acknowledge that the Sunsphere itself -  that oddly-shaped, not-quite-landmark; that glittering priapic monument to a largely forgotten (but not by me, tee hee!) international exposition - is ridiculous. Beyond ridiculous, it is, in fact, ridonkulous. And not in a good way.

Now, you may say, "Patrick, it looks kind of silly now, but at the time....well, at the time, it was awesome," and I will acknowledge that your statement is correct. The problem is that the Sunsphere represents an early 1980's vision of the future, and, for some reason, most of us still haven't discovered how to appreciate that flavor of futurism ironically. We certainly love futurist architecture from the 50's, 60's, & 70's - but from the 80's? Well it just looks kind of goofy and dorky now. 

Okay, so I presumably have a point? Yes, and here it is: embrace the goofy charm of the Sunsphere. Embrace, and enhance. Design the bar as 1982's vision of a drinking spot in 2010. Think the bridge of the Enterprise D mixed with a Delorean DMC-12, with TRON and Blade Runner seasoning, baked up in a big pan of Return of the Jedi. 

Idea #6 - Haunted Holler Dollywood dark ride.

Dollywood's newest themed area, Mystery Caverns, is adjacent to the Wilderness Pass section of the park and is considered to be something of an extension of, and complement to, that older area of the park. As with Wilderness Pass, Mystery Caverns features several "adventure play" attractions, here taking the appearance of an elaborate mountain cave system (comparisons to Injun Joe's Cave at the Disney parks are not inapt). The whole of the area is designed with a cave motif, so that shops, eateries, rest rooms are all located in the dim interiors of large faux stone outcroppings. 

At the far end of the Mystery Caverns area is the largest cave of all, which "handwritten" signs identify as "Smugglers' Cavern". This is the show building for the Haunted Holler attraction. The entrance to the show building serves as the attraction queue and is themed as a clandestine production and distribution facility for a regional variety of maize-derived ethanol. The ride queue snakes past ethanol-extraction machinery bubbling and smoking away, then past large crates marked "RECIPE", then finally to a makeshift garage are where old, busted Model Ts laden with product await their drivers. In each of the three sections of the cave, a notice board can be found hung with humorous bulletins and random bits of information, along with newspaper clippings reporting run-ins with a legendary "ghost train" that is purported to haunt the area. In the boarding area of the queue, the path seems to leave the cavern and return to the open air, though now the sky is growing dark as sun can be seen setting past the far ridgeline. Stars begin to shine and the moon begins to rise as the riders board their vehicles (Model Ts, too, of course). Now, the ride begins in earnest.

Through speakers hidden in the ride vehicles, the riders learn that their "car" is carrying a load of "recipe" that is urgently needed for a town celebration later in the evening. The riders are urged to hurry to the town but to avoid taking a shortcut through the "holler". The vehicle travels past a variety of humorous and homey rural vignettes (ramshackle cabins, hillfolk begging for some "recipe" - this section is inspired by the early parts of Dollywood's "Blazing Fury" ride) before coming to a river crossing. Suddenly, a train whistle is heard and the bridge begins to shake. The car crosses the bridge, turns a corner, and the riders see a ghostly train engine crossing the bridge, causing the bridge to "collapse". The car picks up speed as the train whistle is heard again. The car makes another turn, straight into the path of the ghost train. The car veers at the last moment, off the "road" to town and into the holler (the car passes a sign indicating Hicks Hollow, with "Hicks" crossed through and the word "Haunted" written crudely). 

Now the car is in Haunted Hollow itself, and the car is speeding along, attempting to outrun the ghost train close behind. The train is louder now, and riders hear the chugging of its engine, the rattle of the wheels and the squeal of the brakes, and, always, the blowing of its whistle. The riders feel the cold rush of the ghost train behind them, see the landscape around them rushing past in the gloomy pale glow of the train's spectral light. The car struggles to escape, dodging outhouses and corn cribs, crashing through fences and barns, attempting to elude the demonic locomotive. But it is to no avail; the train is upon the riders now. The train blows its whistle one final time, then rams the car down a steep embankment...into town! The riders are safe, after all, and the "recipe" has been delivered in time for the evenings festivities!

Riders unload and exit through what appears to be the doorway into a large barn. Scratchy string-band music can be heard from what looks like an old Victrola as the visitors pass hay bales and farm implements and stacked cases of "recipe" and walk on into the attached gift shop.

Idea #5 - Lifestyle magazine for the frugal and/or poor

I originally intended to post my incredibly innovative and original idea to introduce real American smokehouse barbecue to the foggy, cobbled streets (yes, I know, they pretty much use asphalt- excuse me, "tar macadam"- like we do here) of Ye Olde London Towne, but then I found out about this place, so you know, never mind.

Instead, here's another one: what about a fashion/lifestyle/food magazine for folks with, let's just say, not so much going on in the ol' money department. GQ crossed with allure crossed with Food & Wine crossed with Travel & Leisure crossed with, oh, I don't know, Guns & Ammo, but with the resulting unholy offspring aimed squarely at the underfunded. In other words, a periodical featuring information and advice about fashion, cars, food, and travel, for folks that don't know what, say, selvedge denim is, and can't afford to buy it even if they do.

A lifestyle magazine that is a manual, not a wishbook.

Idea #4 - Elective national service program.

High-school graduates (or equivalents; GED training/testing will be available to the diploma-less) aged 18 years or older will be encouraged to complete at least 2 years of service to the country, either as a member of the armed services (including Coast Guard and National Guard/Reserve), or as a participant in one of several civilian services. The largest of these civilian groups will be a greatly enhanced and expanded Americorps, with membership numbering in the millions and with responsibilities ranging from hiking trail maintenance to natural disaster support to education and mentoring services.

The benefits & advantages of joining the armed services are too numerous to catalog here, but, suffice to say that, for many,the military will continue to be preferred as a uniquely challenging and rewarding path of national service. Other eligible applicants will choose to join a civilian branch of service, a rewarding decision in its own right. Each enlistee to a civilian service will receive a weekly stipend, food and housing, college credit (classroom time will be a significant component of the services), and plenty of real-world experience.

Membership in either the military or civilian forces will be wholly voluntary, however, as the pool of NSP graduates continues to grow, employment opportunities will become increasing skewed toward those with some NSP experience under their belts, thus, NSP enlistment will become increasing desirable.

Participation in the national service programs will have other, less tangible benefits, as well. Since one major aspect of the domestic civilian programs will be that enlistees MUST serve somewhere other than their home areas, participants will be forced to experience geographical, cultural, and socio-economic situations different from the ones they are accustomed to at home. For example, a civilian NSP member from urban Chicago might find herself maintaining horse trails on federal land in Montana. Or a lacrosse player from Nashville might see himself assigned to help teach math to inner-city children in Baltimore. With any luck, the experience will result in generations of politically active, and socially & culturally aware young people, who are also healthier, more confident, and less afraid of hard work and disappointment.

Idea #3 - Alt History: Opryland never dies

In the mid-1990s, Gaylord Entertainment (owner of Opryland Themepark) decides that it no longer wants to operate an amusement park in Nashville. In our timeline, this decision prompts Gaylord to shutter Opryland in December of 1997 and to replace it with a giant, terrible shopping mall, which serves as the centerpiece of a new, improved, and yuckier "Opryland USA".

In my (preferred alternate) reality, Gaylord decides to sell the theme park, whole, or in part, to Herschend Entertainment. Herschend is a good fit, as it already operates 2 other country-oriented theme parks (Silver Dollar City & Dollywood, duh) in white-person tourism Meccas. From 1998 to the present, the Opryland park expands in much the same fashion as the Branson and Pigeon Forge parks did in our timeline, adding a dozen or more new rides along with several new themed "lands" to the park (for example, a "mountain music & crafts" section that is reminiscent of similar areas at SDC and DW). Among the notable ride additions during the decade plus of Herschend ownership is the historic "Zippin Pippin" roller coaster (Elvis' favorite amusement park ride), purchased from the defunct Libertyland park in Memphis, which is made the centerpiece of an expanded "Do Wah Diddy City" section of the park.

Coming soon to 'poke full of dreams'...

As scribbled hurriedly onto scraps of paper just moments ago:

Idea - Sunsphere as an '80s retro-futuristic lounge - BLADE RUNNER!

Idea - tiki bar - in Downtown Greenville - or Clemson!!

Idea - Museum of Appalachian music - in Knoxville!

Idea - Travis Tritt - Bluegrass Singer!

Idea - ALT HISTORY - What is there was NO AMERICAN REVOLUTION?

Idea - Batman - as an African-American - in the 1970s!!

Idea - DOLLYWOOD HAUNTED HOLLER DARK RIDE!